[README.md]
"Making Email Worse Since Today"
ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
β EMAIL AGER 3000β’ β
β "Making Email Worse Since Today" β
β β
β π§ βββ [AGING CHAMBER] βββ β° βββ π§ (but older) β
β β
β β‘ MAXIMUM INEFFICIENCY β‘ β
ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
The Email Ager is a completely useless machine in the finest tradition of mechanical nihilism. It takes your perfectly good emails, sends them on a pointless journey through time and computational loops, then delivers them slightly worse for wear - like fine wine, but backwards.
This is peak engineering absurdity: maximum effort for maximum pointlessness. It's what happens when you cross a Rube Goldberg machine with a sommelier's wine cellar, but for electronic mail.
- π Pointless Loops: Performs magnificently unnecessary calculations while your emails "age"
- π· Pretentious Flavor Profiles: "Hints of procrastination, notes of digital decay"
- π Aging Certificates: Each email gets a pompous certificate like a vintage wine
- β‘ Over-Engineered Logging: Tells you exactly how pointless everything is
- π ASCII Art: Because every useless machine needs it
- π² Random Delays: Adds chaos to the pointlessness
- π Configurable Uselessness: Tune your inefficiency to perfection
We obsess over aging wine, cheese, whiskey... why not emails? This email ager embodies the beautiful spirit of useless machines - devices that exist solely to do exactly nothing, but with tremendous effort and engineering precision.
It's a commentary on email culture, digital anxiety, and the human tendency to over-engineer solutions to problems that don't exist.
- Python 3.7+
- A Gmail account (or SMTP/IMAP server)
- A healthy appreciation for the absurd
- Patience for magnificently pointless processes
-
Clone this repository of digital absurdity:
git clone [your-repo-url] cd email-ager -
Install dependencies:
pip install -r requirements.txt
-
Configure your aging parameters:
Edit
ager_config.jsonor let it create defaults:{ "smtp_server": "smtp.gmail.com", "smtp_port": 587, "imap_server": "imap.gmail.com", "imap_port": 993, "username": "[email protected]", "password": "your_app_password", "aging_folder": "INBOX/EmailAger", "min_aging_time": 30, "max_aging_time": 1440, "pointless_loops": true, "verbose_aging": true, "pretentious_mode": true } -
Begin the magnificent aging process:
python email_ager.py
- Email Intake: Your precious email enters the aging chamber
- Pointless Processing: The system performs completely unnecessary calculations
- Temporal Seasoning: Email develops "character" through computational loops
- Digital Patina Formation: Aging artifacts are lovingly applied
- Pretentious Certification: Each email gets a sommelier-grade aging certificate
- Delayed Delivery: Email emerges, slightly worse for wear but "sophisticated"
min_aging_time/max_aging_time: Duration of pointless processing (minutes)pointless_loops: Enable/disable unnecessary computational workverbose_aging: Get delightfully unnecessary status updatespretentious_mode: Add pompous aging certificates to emails
Standard SMTP/IMAP configuration for your email provider.
from email_ager import EmailAger
ager = EmailAger()
email_id = ager.age_email(
sender="[email protected]",
recipient="[email protected]",
subject="Urgent Meeting Request",
body="This email will be much better after aging.",
aging_minutes=60 # One hour of pointless processing
)emails = [
{
"sender": "[email protected]",
"recipient": "[email protected]",
"subject": "Performance Review",
"body": "Let's discuss your performance...",
"aging_minutes": 120
},
# More emails to age...
]
ager.batch_age_emails(emails)Each aged email comes with a pretentious certificate:
ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
β AGING CERTIFICATE β
β β
β This email has been aged for 47 minutes in our premium β
β digital aging chambers. β
β β
β Flavor Profile: hints of procrastination, notes of digital β
β decay β
β Loop Count: 2,847 unnecessary iterations β
β Aged: 2025-07-29 14:23:17 β
β β
β π· "Like fine wine, but for electrons" π· β
ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
Check aging status:
status = ager.get_aging_status()
print(status)
# {
# "active_aging_processes": 3,
# "total_aged_today": "Β―\_(γ)_/Β―",
# "pointlessness_level": "MAXIMUM"
# }Want to make this even more magnificently pointless? Contributions welcome!
- Email Terroir: Base aging on server geographic location
- Vintage System: Classification by timestamp aesthetics
- Digital Sommelier: AI that pretentiously describes email flavor profiles
- Aging Analytics: Unnecessarily complex charts of pointless metrics
- Premium Aging Tiers: Bronze, Silver, Gold pointlessness levels
git clone [repo]
cd email-ager
python -m venv venv
source venv/bin/activate # or venv\Scripts\activate on Windows
pip install -r requirements.txt
pip install -r requirements-dev.txtQ: My emails aren't aging properly!
A: Have you tried turning your computer off and on again? But wait exactly 17 minutes between off and on - this allows the digital aging enzymes to properly settle. Also, face your monitor north-northeast during the aging process for optimal electromagnetic feng shui.
Q: The aging process is too fast!
A: This is clearly a timezone issue. Change your system clock to a different timezone every 3 minutes during aging. Alternatively, place a small crystal next to your ethernet cable - amethyst works best for slowing down packet velocity.
Q: My emails taste the same after aging!
A: You need to calibrate your digital palate. Stare at exactly 247 other emails before reading your aged one. If that doesn't work, try aging your aging configuration file for 30 minutes before using it.
Q: The pointless loops aren't pointless enough!
A: Add more pointless loops! Create a pointless loop that monitors the pointless loops. Then create a meta-pointless loop that monitors the monitoring loops. For maximum inefficiency, write a shell script that checks if the pointless loops are running, but make the shell script itself run in a pointless loop.
Q: My aged emails are being delivered too efficiently!
A: Route your internet connection through at least 7 different countries before sending. Better yet, physically mail your computer to each country and send the email from there. This adds authentic geographic terroir to your digital aging process.
Q: I'm getting "maximum inefficiency already achieved" errors!
A: This is impossible. There's always room for more inefficiency. Try running the email ager on a potato-powered computer, or better yet, implement the entire system using only Microsoft PowerPoint animations.
Q: The ASCII art looks wrong!
A: You're probably viewing it on the wrong day of the week. ASCII art only renders properly on Tuesdays and alternate Fridays. Try again during a leap year while wearing socks of different colors.
Q: My emails are developing too much character!
A: Reduce the aging time and add more generic corporate buzzwords to the email content. Alternatively, age them in a folder named "URGENT_BORING_STUFF" - this neutralizes excess personality development.
Q: The aging certificates are too pretentious!
A: Impossible. They're not pretentious enough. Add more wine metaphors. Reference extinct grape varieties. Include tasting notes like "undertones of deprecated protocols" and "a lingering finish of bandwidth anxiety."
Q: My computer is running too efficiently during the aging process!
A: Install more browser toolbars. Open 47 tabs of cat videos. Run a cryptocurrency miner in the background - not for profit, just for the inefficiency. Consider mining a completely made-up cryptocurrency that doesn't exist.
Q: People are actually reading my aged emails!
A: This defeats the entire purpose. Age them longer until they become so sophisticated that they're incomprehensible. Add random philosophical quotes about the nature of time. Include footnotes that reference other footnotes in an infinite loop.
-
The Rubber Duck Debug: Explain the entire email aging process to a rubber duck. If the duck doesn't look confused and slightly offended, you're not being inefficient enough.
-
The Temporal Calibration Test: Send yourself an email about what you had for breakfast, age it for 6 hours, then check if your breakfast tastes different when you read about it later.
-
The Existential Crisis Check: If using the email ager doesn't make you question the fundamental nature of productivity and the meaning of work, increase the
pointless_loopsparameter. -
The Efficiency Audit: If anything works smoothly or makes sense, you've done something wrong. Go back and add more unnecessary steps.
- Rewrite the entire system in COBOL
- Port it to run on a Commodore 64
- Implement it using only regex and prayer
- Convert everything to use Roman numerals
- Make it blockchain-powered (because why not add more pointless complexity?)
- Train an AI to generate the pointless loops, then train another AI to monitor the first AI, then train a third AI to make sure the monitoring is sufficiently pointless
If your emails become too aged: There's no cure. They must be ceremonially deleted while playing funeral music. Consider this a learning experience about the dangers of over-aging.
If the system becomes actually useful: Panic. Add more features that nobody wants. Implement a GUI that requires 17 clicks to do anything. Make it cloud-native with microservices for each letter of the alphabet.
If you start enjoying the inefficiency: Congratulations! You've achieved enlightenment in the art of magnificent pointlessness. Your transformation is complete.
Remember: If your problem isn't listed here, try creating 3-5 more problems first, then solve those instead. This is the Way of Maximum Inefficiency.
This software is released under the "Do Whatever You Want But Don't Blame Us" license. Use it to age emails, impress friends with your commitment to digital absurdity, or as a meditation on the nature of useful vs. useless work.
- Inspired by the noble tradition of useless machines
- Dedicated to all the unnecessarily complex systems we build
- Special thanks to Rube Goldberg for showing us the way
- In memory of all the emails that could have been sent immediately
"In a world of instant communication, sometimes you need an email that's had time to think about what it really wants to say."
β‘ MAXIMUM INEFFICIENCY ACHIEVED β‘